Those Feelings

I was standing in church that morning, singing along, when I noticed this feeling rumbling around inside my heart, trying to get attention. The song was about Heaven, and how God washes away our fears, and how someday there will be no more brokenness or pain.
Sometimes, when things are going well, and I’m not really worried about anything big or dealing with any big issues (you know, those fleeting moments?), that I struggle with that. Not that I WANT anything bad to happen to me or my family, but in those times, something feels…shallow. You know when you watch a really good movie, one that really speaks to you, or excites you, and afterwards you perhaps feel a little discontented with where you are in life? Not that you would ever ASK for a car accident, a family tragedy, to find out your spouse is secretly working for the CIA and all of a sudden your whole family is in horrible danger and there’s nothing you can do…but doesn’t the grass look greener on the other side? I know I do that. When life lets up and things feel normal for a little while, part of me wants the difficult back. Because there’s something in the brokenness.
For a long time, I didn’t understand those feelings. I thought there was something wrong with me, that maybe I just wanted attention and I needed to get over myself. But that Sunday, I figured it out. Those times when I feel broken, when my heart is black and blue instead of red, and I can look around and almost see my blasted-apart heart-pieces laying on the floor; those are the times when I feel closest to Jesus. Don’t dismiss me as cliché just yet. Broken seasons of life tend to have one of two outcomes: running away from everything that has to do with Jesus, for various reasons, or choosing to lean into him and hold onto him for dear life. And as ashamed as I am to admit it, I do depend more on Jesus when I’m dealing with something difficult than when I think everything is fine. Those times are what tie fresh heart-strings from me to Jesus. Because there’s something in the brokenness. Every time another piece breaks off of my heart, Jesus lovingly pieces it into the mosaic that he’s making of my life and my heart.
So that song went on, and I tried to identify that rumbling feeling. I was reacting to the statement of “no more pain.” “Wait!” I thought, “I don’t know if I want no more pain…because that’s what brings my heart close to God’s heart. ” Because there’s something in the brokenness. And then it was beautiful to realize that when that day comes, and I’m in Heaven, I won’t have to feel the pain in order to feel close to him. I can have him, without the pain of being human.
And I can’t wait for that day.